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Starting school after an extended break, like, about fifteen years, is difficult for anyone; but when you're fat, there are even more fears and pitfalls than for the average person.

Right around the time I was willing to consider that my body wasn't the ugliest thing on the planet and had just started to see the beauty that is there, I started going to my local community college. I also decided that I had no intention of making myself suffer through the physical pain of trying to squeeze into the standard desk-chair contraptions just to try to avoid drawing extra attention to myself.

As has been pointed out many times, at many schools, there isn't always enough seating to go around. Using a regular chair, if there is one, along with the torture device, the desk-chair combo, isn't always an option. Frankly, squeeing one's fat self into one of those desks doesn't draw less attention, as some seem to delude themselves into thinking.

As a young person, I spent way too many years wishing I could just blend into the woodwork and not stick out in a crowd; so of course, I was hyper-sensitive to attracting attention to myself, negative or positive.

Eventually, I realized that past a certain size, what does it matter? The "Does this make me look fat?" mind-set cracks me up. I'm over 400 pounds. No matter what I wear, I'm going to look fat. Those silly rules just don't apply to me, which is freeing, frankly. Black isn't slimming when one is standing against a white wall. Horizontal stripes don't make you look fatter; but large patterns and vibrant colors do draw attention to the person wearing them. So what? I'm sick of these and other fallacies which are oft-repeated and perpetuated upon fat people ad nauseam. If you're significantly fat, the attention is already on you. Why be physically uncomfortable on top of it?

Since, on most campuses, there are provisions made for students to have a separate desk and chair, I took advantage of it. At first, it was horriffic. I was only beginning down the road to having a positive self-perception and I felt ashamed of the fact that I had to have a special desk. Yet, I also knew that I deserved better than to have to squeeze into a contraption that is uncomfortable even for many thin people. No way was I going to sit on the floor, like some do, and then look for a crane to pull me up. Nor was I going to quit. Not even an option.

At first, I felt like a circus sideshow. ("Come see the fat lady!!") It felt as if my fellow student's stares burned holes into my spirit.

Over time, I calmed down enough to observe that each of my classes usually separated into four distinct groups of people, in regards to our presence in class together:

1) The first group is comprised of persons who will never like you, no matter what -- who would only deem you worthy if you were skinny, and maybe even then might find something else to dislike you for. Those same persons probably also dislike the slim Latina sitting next to you, because she is non-white; and maybe even the guy across from her, because he talks with a twang and of course aren't all those twangy-talkin' people of lesser intelligence and from the hills of Kentucky? You know, white trash? Hillbillies? Get over it. Those people probably dislike most people -- including, deep down, themselves.

2) The second group are folks who are open-minded enough to give you a chance, and reserve judgment until they can see what kind of person you are. Some of these people probably have good friends or family members who are fat. They may be fat-accepting, though not necessarily admirers. Most classes generally have enough opportunity for interaction to show who these people are and what they are all about.

3) The third group are neither here nor there. Totally non-committal, they keep to themselves and generally seem absorbed with other things than those around them. No problem.

4) The fourth, and last, group is the surprise. They are the admirers. Granted, I haven't met many of those on campus, but they are there, and, yes they're looking at you -- but not for the reason you think. They are looking at you and enjoying it, even if they don't say so. Whether this appeals to you or not, it is a fact of life. Many fat people who are self-conscious about their size usually find it hard to believe, and many times don't realize that's what it is, because when you're in that zone, every look feels like an indictment. Believe me, they're not always.

As class goes along, people show themselves and their motivations, which, ultimately do not matter as much as you reaching your goals and getting your education. Do not let those stares stop you. Do not let your fears stop you; do not let the people from group number one stop you. They are not worth what you will lose in the long run -- or what you will gain by facing the situation and triumphing.

When it came to making things a little easier, the things I, personally, found helpful are these:

Find a study partner. Someone you can call for any missed assignments, and vice versa. Exchange phone numbers. Look for a person you can connect with in class, so you don't feel like an island. From there, you will meet more people.

If you arrange for a desk and chair to be put in your classroom just before the semester starts, most schools will do this, in my experience, you will have a comfortable seat from day one. This is not a perfect arrangemant, as you will see below, but it's generally the best option.

Even once you're settled in with your own desk and chair, it's not always easy. Many times teachers have appropriated my desk and/or chair for their own class down the hall. Or someone will sit in it, and I will have to go up to them and say, "Excuse me, but would you please change seats?" The person is usually nice, but once, a guy looked up at me and said, "Oh, is your name on it?"

"Yes, it is," I replied.

To which he sneered, "Where? I don't see it."

I sighed and said, "Go down to the Learning Assistance Center. They have the records there. I don't know if they will let you see it without my permission, but I'm willing to go with you so you can be certain, if you like."

He made a face but moved. I would say he was probably a die-hard member of group number one.

Push on through the embarrassment. Meet people in the eye. If you can see they don't approve of you, let them be and move on. By your behavior you will advocate for yourself, and, in a way, for all fat people, as a person of worth and quality. People pay attention to those things. I can't tell you how many fabulous women, and great guys I have made friends with.

Setting: Art History, Renaissance to Modern. The end of my first year of school; Spring semester had just started. Stadium seating and I'm down near the bottom row, against the wall. I'm surrounded by people on all sides but one, and I am convinced the wall has become a backdrop that will only serve to accentuate my size. They are all looking at me. I know it. If not all of them, then most of them. I can feel their stares and I know I'm not imagining things. My face burns red and I start to sweat. The desire, no, the need, to flee is mounting.

I think, "Do I really need this class? Maybe there's some way I can just take this at a later date, after all I have other things I could be doing. Maybe next semester it will be less crowded. Everyone is staring at me. Why can't I just disappear. Why can't I just be thin and unnoticeable? A mouse. The class is overcrowded. I won't learn anything, and just look at the. . . ."

"Tina!"

I kind of hear a loud whisper. But I'm not sure. "Whoever it is, they must be talking to someone else," I think. "Why would anyone want to be talking to me anyway. This is my second semester and I still feel like a freak. Doesn't it get any easier? If only I could take this as a video class or something . . ."

"Tina!!!"

I don't want to look around, because I just know that people will be looking at me. And they will see me looking ashamed and red-faced. And I will see their judgment and disdain. And I will see . . .

"Tinaaa!!!!"

Well, there's no mistaking that. I timidly turn my head and kind of look around. Oh! There's Jason, about 25, a fellow artist from last semester, and the best-looking guy in class -- not that that really matters, but it doesn't hurt, either.

"Hey, Tina, I didn't know you were gonna take this class. It's good to see someone I know here. Are you taking Art 111? I hear it's kinda hard but . . . ."

And suddenly I didn't feel quite as bad. Jason was a gift on more than one occasion. Several years ago, he moved to D. C. and I haven't seen him since. Jason hasn't been the only person who I've seen from past semesters who I have connected with again and continued a friendship with. Some friends from school have become regular, full-time friends. One, Carlos, I consider my brother in my family of choice.

These days, I might have an uncomfortable moment or two here and there. But it doesn't last for a week or two -- or more, like it used to; and I am no longer afraid to participate in class, talk to my neighbors or look around the room.

Did my change in self-perception over time bring about more confidence in class, or did my challenges, and overcoming them, in class help to bring about a more positive perception of who I am as a person, a woman, and a student? Both, I guess.

I have learned a whole lot from school, but only some of it came from books and classwork. The most important things I learned were about myself and my ability to persevere in the face of horrified embarrassment to conquer the fear that threatened to quash my educational goals.

These experiences recall various semesters at my local community college; but I don't see myself as unusal as far as fat women go. Many times I have reflected on the progression I made in all the semesters I attended school. As I went along, it really did get easier.

In closing, I would like to quote a friend of mine. His is, in my opinion, one of the simplest, clearest and most universal of truths when it comes to fat acceptance advocacy:

"About fat acceptance... a gal who is not ashamed of being a Big Beatuiful Woman, and does not care of diet fanaticism, is a fat-acceptance manifesto by herself." -- David Rossi, Italy

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